


Jake Meets All The Striders. All Of Them.

by SarcasticMalaise



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Jake decides to visit Dirk, M/M, Shit goes down, Well the characters arent literally those characters, just adaptations theyre human n' stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 01:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6834229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticMalaise/pseuds/SarcasticMalaise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fairly obvious from the title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jake Meets All The Striders. All Of Them.

Jake's phone rang. 

Jake sprang up from the couch. 

It rang again. 

Before it could ring a third time, Jake picked up the phone. 

"Hello, old chap!" Jake greeted enthusiastically. 

"You sound like an old english gentleman, dude," Dirk said by way of greeting. 

"Well I am British," Jake said. 

"True, but that doesn't mean you have to call me old chap. I'm 13. I'm not old," Dirk said. 

"True, but all dashing adventurers are gallant," Jake said. 

"Can't you be gallant without calling me old chap?" 

Jake sighed. "What's up, Dirk?"

"I was wondering if you would want to come over today"

"I'd love to!" Jake exclaimed. 

"Alright, you know where my house is, right?" Dirk asked. 

"Hmm, I believe you have pointed it out to me before when we drove by," Jake answered. 

"Okay, see you later!" Dirk hung up before Jake could say goodbye. 

Ten minutes later, Jake was at the Strider household. No one could really say how many Striders there were except for the Striders themselves. It was an unanswered question everyone at school speculated on, but neither Dirk nor Dave would ever say. 

Jake knocked on the door. Dave, Dirk's twin, opened the upstairs window. 

"Come up, Dirk is in his room. Just... don't turn left when you enter the house," Dave warned. 

"Why not?" Jake asked. 

"Trust me, you don't want to meet my family," Dave said ominously, and shut the door. Jake tried the front door. It was unlocked, so he opened it. 

He looked around. There was a pathway to the left, the right, and forwards. 

He was an adventurous person, and thought nothing to the left would kill him. Besides, he reasoned, there's something Dave is hiding. The Striders can't be that bad. 

He turned to the left and opened a door. Inside, the 'mom' and 'dad' of the family, Bro Dave and Bro Dirk (the twins were named after them) were sitting on the couch, doing each other's makeup. 

Jake stood, staring, until they heard him squeak and turned around. 

"Oh hi, you're Dirk's boyfriend, right?" Bro Dirk asked. 

"Uh... Yeah" Jake said. 

"Got lost?" Bro Dave asked. 

"Yeah..." Jake said. 

"Come over here," Bro Dirk said. 

"Uh..." Jake didn't want to, but he also didn't want to offend his boyfriend's family. "Okay," He walked over and awkwardly sat on the couch. 

"Makeup?" Bro Dave offered. "It'll be hella ironic,"

"In what way is it ironic?" Jake asked, suddenly finding his voice. 

"A basketball player, in drag? Totally ironic," Bro Dave said. 

"Um. Sure?" Jake said, still not wanting to offend them. He was beginning to think they were insane in some way. 

Bro Dirk began applying makeup to Jake. 

Ten minutes later, he was finished. 

"Man, that took a long time," Groaned Jake. 

Just then, a very tipsy Mom Rose Lalonde stumbled into the room. 

"Hehehe! What's this, Dave? Captured a new doll?" Mom Rose giggled. 

"Yep, Dirk did his makeup. What do you think?" Dave asked. 

"He looks like John," Mom Rose said, squinting. "Remember that time where you convinced John to wear a dress and makeup and then you ruined his makeup by kissing him? Hehehe!" 

"I remember that," Bro Dave said. "Wonder what John is doing now?" 

Mom Rose bent forward. "Don't tell him I told you this, but," And here here voice dropped into a rather loud conspiratorial whisper,"He's buying you an an anniversary present!" 

"How sweet!" Bro Dirk interjects. 

"I know right!" Mom Rose exclaims, and giggles. Then her attention turns back to Jake. "Oh, you know what you need, what's-your-name?" She asked Jake. 

Jake, who had been feeling awkward through this whole exchange, said, "No, what do I need?" 

"One of Kanaya's dresses!" Mom Rose said. 

"How about a maid outfit?" Bro Dirk, who loved anime, interjected. 

"Oh, perfect! Kanaya make a cute one for you, but it was too small! I bet it would fit..." She looked at Jake questioningly. 

"Jake" Jake informed her. 

"Jake!" Mom Rose said. 

"Uh," Jake said. 

"Oh come on, it'll be fun," Mom Rose pushed. 

Jake, who really didn't want to offend a drunk Lalonde, agreed. 

Five minutes later, he was in full drag, complete with a wig that Bro Dirk dug out of his closet. 

"Uh, this has been fun, but I think Dirk is waiting for me," Jake interjected awkwardly. 

"Oh, right. Well there's a staircase back that way," Bro Dirk pointed back the way Jake came, "or one that way" Here he pointed farther along. 

"I'll go this way," Jake decided, and continued the way he was going originally. 

"Bye!!!" Mom Rose Lalonde waved eagerly. 

Jake entered the next room. It was all dark. 

"Um, hello?" He said to a dark figure on the bed. The figure shattered into a million... birds. 

"You are an idiot!" One of Dirk's cousins said. This was the birdkeeper, Jake thought. 

"I'm sorry!" Jake exclaimed. 

"Ugh, I worked so hard on that, too," The cousin said. Then he looked up, saw Jake, and smirked. "And you are?" 

"Uh, Jake. I'm Dirk's boyfriend," Jake hastily introduced himself. 

A stray bird flapped down and landed on the blond teenager's head. 

"Well, I can't say it's a pleasure to meet you," The bird guy said, "but hello. Also, my birds won't come back into the stand until you're gone, so would you leave?" 

"Um, sure, sorry," Jake stammered and left the room awkwardly. 

He entered the next room. 

Three Striders with Dave-like glasses were sitting on the table, like vultures. Another was playing video games upside-down and a fifth was drawing shitty cartoons on his iPad. 

The Table-Striders, as Jake decided to call them, ceased their chatter to look at him. The Cartoon Drawer and Video Game Guy ignored him. 

"Who are you?" Table Strider One asked. 

"Oh, what is a name?" Strider Two asked him dramatically, then smirked. 

"I see you've been captured by the Older Bros," The third Table Strider said. 

"Yeah, heh..." Jake responded. "My name is Jake, and I'm trying to find Dirk!" 

"Why?" Asked Cartoon Strider. Video Game Strider continued to play the game. 

"He invited me over," Said poor Jake, overwhelmed by the amount of Striders in the room. One Strider was enough, but five?

Suddenly, Jake noticed what Video Games was playing. "Is that Super Mario Galaxy? Can I play???" He asked Video Games, excited at the sight of his favorite game. 

"Sure, collect the stars for me," He responded. 

Jake sat down, careful not to rip the maid skirt he was still wearing (it was getting hot), and started playing. 

"Thought you were looking for Dirk" Cartoons said. 

"I was, but I thought I'd help this chap out a bit!" Jake said. 

"I don't think he needs the help," Commented a Table Strider. 

Jake collected some stars.

"I suppose so, but..."

"Go find your boyfriend," Video Games said.

"Uh, I don't think I ever mentioned he was my boyfriend, did I?"

"I know a cousin of mine who's friends with a Lalonde who has a younger sister in school," He said.

"Uh, okay," Jake said. He set down the controller and walked into the next room.

Cats assaulted him.

"Oh dear, I have a severe cat allergy!" Jake exclaimed to the figure before him.

"Too bad," The figure said, and shoved him into the next room.

Jake stumbled into a man lifting weights. 

"Oh hello, wanna feel my muscles?" The man asked. 

"Nope, nope, nope, just wanna find Dirk!" Jake exclaimed. He ran past the man and opened the next door. 

"Oh, hey, Jake. Didn't know you were here," Said Rose. "You seem to have something on your face," She smirked. 

"Uh, yeah, Bro Dirk did my makeup," Jake said, jerking his finger behind him offhandedly. 

"Ah," Rose said. 

"Why are you here?" Jake asked. 

"I'm looking for a knitting needle I lost," Said Rose. 

"It's probably in Dirk's room. Wanna come with me?" Said Jake. 

"Sure," Said Rose. 

They walked up the stairs. 

"So, have you met Dirk's puppet collection? I've heard a lot about it from Dave." Rose pried subtly. 

"Well, I've seen lil' Cal, but it's a bit... odd!" Jake said. 

"Interesting," Said Rose, and lapsed into silence. 

"So, what's up?" Jake asked after a while. 

"Oh, nothing much. I'm knitting Kanaya a sweater but couldn't find my needle," Rose responded. 

"Kanaya is your girlfriend, right?" 

"Yes," Rose said. "Dirk is your boyfriend, right?" 

"Yes," 

"I'm surprised you haven't seen more of the puppets, then," Rose mused. "Up these stairs," 

They walked up the stairs. Rose opened the first door to the right. 

Swiftly, a lean figure attacked them with a sword. Jake ducked, his karate instincts kicking in, then kicked its head. 

"Like it? Just finished it to practice my sword fighting," Dirk said, leaning in the frame of the door. 

"Dirk!" Jake exclaimed, and rushed over to hug him. 

"You look hot," Dirk commented, just having noticed Jake's outfit. "Is there any particular reason you're wearing my brother's maid dress and makeup?" 

"Oh, uh..." Jake blushed,"I ran into your brothers."

"Told you not to turn left, bro," Dave leaned back, headphones around his neck. "Rose, you came for your knitting needle, right?"

"How'd you know?" Rose asked. 

"Tripped on it in the middle of the night," Dave said, tossing it to her. 

"Thank you, I will be on my way. Goodbye," Rose said to them, leaving the room. Dave put his headphones back on. Jake could hear a thumping bass from across the room. 

"What exactly are those puppets your sister was talking about?" Jake asked Dirk. 

"Well..." Dirk said. "Do you want to see them?"

THE END

Moral of the story, striders are weird. 

 


End file.
